The Nefarious Lair of LGPPP, Inc.(Lesbian Gangs Packing Pink Pistols)

Happy Birthday, BAC!

2009-04-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

Darlings, it's BAC's birthday! I almost forgot, but Dr. Zaius reminded me. You simply must go and wish her a happy birthday!

Listen Up, Everyone! An Important Organization Needs Your Panties!

2009-02-14T02:29:00.000-08:00

remember girls, this is St. Valentine's Day!
We must keep the members of the weaker sex in their place.
Hello, darlings! I bring to you today a story that is close to my heart, a tale of countering right-wing religious extremism with one of my favorite weapons of choice, pink panties! It seems that recently in India, some overly religious Republican members of the weaker sex (Sri Ram Sena and his Bajrang Dal activists), are beating up women for publicly drinking, going to bars or wearing clothes that these fanatics deem too revealing.

pinkchaddis With the help of Dr. Zaius and his patented whosiwhatsit technology, I am able to bring you a few videos of some of the recent news events. (These videos will play in the window above.) I have a video of some innocent girls being assaulted in a Mangalore by these loathsome thugs, and a video of what will happen to these goons if you do your part to help the anti-terrorist organization: the Consortium of Pubgoing, Loose and Forward Women!

In remarkably ironic twist to the tale, these Hindu hillbillies are now trying to ban St. Valentine's Day, and are threatening to attack couples found celebrating the romantic holiday. They want to get rid of a holiday that is about defying persecution by persecuting people! (For those of you that might not remember the story, Saint Valentine was the guy that was beaten, stoned and beheaded by the Roman government for helping young Christian couples get married. I love a happy ending!)

The Consortium of Pubgoing, Loose and Forward Women are asking their supporters to send pink panties (they call them "chaddis") to Sri Ram Sena, the leader of the dispicable religious terrorist organization - the Bajrang Dal.

send your pink panties or pictures of pink panties to this address:

Pramod Muthalik,
Sri Rama Sene Office
No. 11, Behind New Bus Stand,
Gokhul road,
Lakshmi park,
Hubli
Karnataka
PIN 580030

You can also send your hearfelt message to the despicable terrorist organization, the Bajrang Dal, via email (join@hinduunity.org). Here is the link to the Evil Bajrang Dal website.

To find out more about the Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women, go to their blog, and their Facebook page, or you can read more about the organization on the internet.

The Consortium of Pubgoing, Loose and Forward Women do not color-discriminate. If you can't send pink panties, send panties in other colors. And both women and men are invited to send in their "chaddis" or pictures of "chaddis!"

I first heard about the story on "The Rachel Maddow show," of course.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T21:02:00.001-08:00

Peace On Earth, Baby!!

2008-12-16T19:52:00.000-08:00

Darlings, it is the yuletide season and you know what that means!

Eggnog, baby! Okay, I must admit that I'm not much for frothy drinks, but one can always take the eggnog recipe and reduce it to its essence.

Traditional Eggnog Recipe

12 eggs, separated
6 cups milk
2 cups heavy/ thickened cream
2 cups bourbon
1+ ½ cups sugar
¾ cup brandy
2 teaspoons ground nutmeg

In a large bowl and using a mixer, beat the egg yolks together with the sugar for approx 10 minutes (you want the mixture to be firm and the colour of butter).
Very slowly, add in the bourbon and brandy - just a little at a time.
When bourbon and brandy have been added, allow the mixture to cool in the fridge (for up to 6 hours, depending on how long before your party you're making the eggnog).
30 minutes before your guests arrive, stir the milk into the chilled yolk mixture.
Stir in 1+ ½ teaspoons ground nutmeg.
In a separate bowl, beat the cream with a mixer on high speed until the cream forms stiff peaks.
In yet another bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form.
Gently fold the egg white mixture into the egg yolk mixture.
Gently fold the cream into the egg mixture.
After ladling into cups, garnish with the remainder of the ground nutmeg.

The Germaine Gregarious Eggnog Recipe:

Exactly the same as above EXCEPT omit the eggs, milk, cream, sugar and nutmeg. Mix well in a snifter. Swirl. For best results, omit the brandy and double the bourbon.

Cheers my Dears!

No Rest for the Wicked

2008-11-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

Looks like Dr. Zaius says Game On! Enrique! Wash the bus and gas'r up. We've got another four year road trip to go on.

I Love Getting Even

2008-11-10T16:46:00.001-08:00

I loathe the organized crime syndicate located out in Utah. I loathe that they pay no taxes and therefore can spend millions and millions of dollars in California telling beautiful people like Portia DiRossi and Ellen DeGeneres that their marriage is about to be recalled.

While I'd like to show the mormons just how vulnerable their protection by magic underwear is from an attack of my fembots, what say we organize to have their tax-exempt status revoked?

Darlings, it feels really really good to sign this petition. Here's the link, my dears.

I like my revenge served hot.

Memoirs

2008-11-10T06:12:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of writing my memoirs. Can anyone remember 2003 for me? It's a bit hazy.

This is not the year for Simians.

2008-11-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

No one of the monkey, ape, lesbian, hockey, frog, or galactic explorer persuasions won the election yesterday. One would expect me to be gracious in defeat. It is difficult to say the least. I took Betty, my favorite pink Glock, to the practice range today and now I am much better. I see things much more clearly.

And truly, it was a very historic election. America has for the first time ever voted for someone from Hawaii as our president.

Mai Tai's All Around!!!!!

Darlings! Germaine is a little hung.

2008-11-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Oh! What a swell bash it was! Dr. Zaius entertained with his kooky Charlton Heston imitation. You really must ask him to do it again sometime, it involves playing dead, a crowbar, a shotgun and really cold clammy hands. And Fran and The Cunning Runt staged a Cliff Notes version of Cabaret for us. Ah, life is a cabaret my friends. Poor Kristi Love. I'm sorry to say her hockey mom costume was SO realistic that Dr. von Monkerstein put the hockey stick in a place that made it a pogo stick. Ouch.

Enrique is bringing me a hangover elixir once he tracks down those free range eggs for me. Since the back 40 is really 80 I do hope he finds them quickly.

Once my pumpkin is more like a melon, I'll be back with photos and of course a ginchy prize!!

Love dears. Now be quiet, Auntie Germaine is hung.

Halloween Bash, My Dears!

2008-10-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

I've been on the road quite a bit lately doing my part to seal the victory of the Gregarious/Zaius campaign, though rumors that I have 'gone rogue' or that I am completing my victory lap are absolutely false.

No, no sweeties! Right now, even as close to the election as we may be, it is time to put aside our differences and to put upon ourselves our halloween costumes!!!

This Freaky Friday All Hollow's Eve I shall again host a rocking Halloween party. Tell me your costume in comments, and do be a dear and add a link to a photo of your get-up!

Bloody Marys all around! And there'll be alcohol too!

Oh, and dears, this year the prize will be a certifiably ginchy award that you can post on your very own blog!

Darlings, Lighting Up the Campaign!

2008-10-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

Darlings, you know that a campaign team consisting of a really really really old male and a hot young woman is the winning combo! Add to that opulence and glamour, beautiful homes, jewels, lawyers, guns and money and well hello next Ms and Mr President and Vice President of these United States of America!

However, like a fabulous souffle, you need more than eggs and cheese and flour and air to create something wonderful. Sometimes the best efforts just fall flat.

Accept no imitations!

Gregarious/Zaius!

Why men will always fail

2008-10-15T02:26:00.000-07:00

The Bikini Effect.

The road goes on forever, but the party never ends!

2008-09-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

Don't forget, Darlings! Now is the time for all good women to come to the aide of their party. (I may not know a lot about politics, but I can certainly recognize a good party when I see one!)

"May" Seems to be the Operative Word.

2008-09-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

One has to be careful of raw oysters and undercooked beef. Doesn't mean one should avoid them all together, does it?

This has possibilities for a recruitment poster.

Gustav.

2008-08-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

Darlings, it's been a long month bringing you a beach a day post. It's been great fun. I had wanted to wrap up with a bang, but my dears, I've too many friends on too many beaches who are not doing so well today.

Keep them in your thoughts,
-GG

I Found the Beach, Darlings, Where's the Ocean?

2008-08-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

Are Karl Rove's forefathers from North Dakota? Why, would you believe that through some error (fatigue? moi?) I've wound up in Beach, North Dakota? Dears, this is nearly as sad as the mistake that sent me to Pardeeville Wisconsin. Nice people, all, but very unfortunately named.

On the upside, so many more people at this Beach just luv luv luv my little pink guns!

Mombasa!

2008-08-29T05:11:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Kenya. A certain American of Kenyan/Kansan heritage has pwnd the republicans and looks to repossess the keys to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Darlings, it is about time! Those dreadful current occupants let the dogs poop on the rugs! The grownups poop on everything else.

Let the beach drinks flow!!!!

Arrived After Three Hour Cruise!

2008-08-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

I love this little island. I love the natives. I don't get the creepy little militaristic Japanese men who hide in the bushes. But what fun! Try the coconut cream pie, darlings, the cook is to die for! (You thought Ginger was more my type, didn't you? Ah, sweetie, you were wrong).

The Natives Are Restless

2008-08-27T05:49:00.000-07:00

Here I am at Batumi Beach in Georgia. No, not that Georgia, that other Georgia. The yogurt-lovin' one. On the Black Sea. I must say the people are kind here, but they do seem a bit shell-shocked.

Enrique, was there something I've missed whilst I've been beach-bouncing?

Light(er) Beach Blogging Today

2008-08-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

There were some problems with the Caribbean Smoked Torch drinks I was whipping up.

Here's the recipe if you're brave!

Ingredients

* 1/2 oz. Brandy
* 3/4 oz. Liqueur, melon
* 3/4 oz. Liqueur, raspberry
* 3/4 oz. Rum, coconut
* 1/2 oz. Rum, dark
* 1/2 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof
* 1 oz. Cranberry Juice
* 1 oz. Orange Juice
* 1 oz. Pineapple Juice

Mixing Instructions

Combine all ingredients except overproof rum in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake until chilled. Add overproof rum to a snifter and light it on fire. Carefully warm the snifter with the rum, rotating it slowly, until the rum burns itself out. Then pour the shaker contents into the hot snifter. If you do it right, you will get an aromatic cloud of smoke! If you do it wrong you get the Bikini Atoll.

Phi phi beach

2008-08-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

My dears, Thailand is nearly all beach. Can one imagine poor Anna whatsis when she went to educate the children of Siam, all corseted up in those ridiculous getups? Who can hate on progress when one can say that these days we can visit Thai beaches and git our nekkid on?

Love, babies! It's surf Thailand!!!

Hamilton Beach

2008-08-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

Lord! How did I end up here?

I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!

What's Beach Month Without the Beach Boys?

2008-08-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

Don't Worry, Baby

Lesbos.

2008-08-22T08:01:00.001-07:00

Darlings, here is the capital of Lesbos, Mytilini.

Beautiful. Bien sur.

(You know, I shall never mix another martini as long as I live. Henceforth, mytilinis, my Lesbos loving friends).

And because I love Lesbos so much, today, dears, a link.

Today you can explore the lovely beaches for yourself.

Croatia is for Lovers

2008-08-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

All right, the slogan has been taken. But really, dears. Croatia is romantic. Some call its coastline the New Riveria.

This is the beach at Zlatni rat in Brac. The name translates to Golden Horn. 'Twould probably be illegal in Texas. If you get my drift.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

2008-08-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Darlings, my perusal of the interwebs on my fab iPhone has brought me such great news. Forget the "Summer of Love" bring on the "Summer of Lesbians".

First, though it saddens me that the lovely Portia de Rossi is no longer single, I'm happy that the equally lovely Ellen DeGeneres was able to scoop her up and make each other their betrothed. Ah. Love.

And second, you've all heard the fab news about Rachel Maddow. (via Dr. Zaius)She'll be exchanging the current hot air for fresh air in the stagnant world of cable punditry . Sweet.

While we're at it, lets wish for a trifecta, shall we? What if Barack Obama were to choose the wonderfully out gal pol, Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin for Veep? I know, I know. Greedy little dreams.

Still, I'm quite happy today.

Back to the beach, my dears.

Don't You Hate When You Forget Where You Parked Your Yacht?

2008-08-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

Darlings, today's beach is Newport Beach, California!

Playa Santa Lucia, Comaguey, Cuba

2008-08-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

Darlings, beaches where you can be nearly guaranteed not to find an Ugly American^TM anywhere!!

Dual citizenship has its advantages.

Un Mot

2008-08-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

Fiji.

Run Around Naked? Why I'd Love To!

2008-08-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Darlings, when a "clothing optional" beach is named 'Wreck Beach' I think to myself, 'Well, there's truth in advertising!' I mean, really, with the most delicate respect, I generally don't want to see North Americans at beaches with their parts all hanging out. (Dear South Americans-you are another story altogether!)

But really dears! I just had to head to Vancouver for today's Wreck Beach 12th Annual Bare Buns Run. Look for me! I'll be the blond with the pink holster!! And nothing else!!

South Beach, Miami

2008-08-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

South Beach is very nice. I understand the ocean is nearby.

You Should Never Have Sex on the Beach By Yourself

2008-08-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

Darlings, did you think I was above stupid puns about drinks? Well, most of the time.

Anyway my dears--don't drink alone. Double this recipe. Triple if you're a threesome.

Sex on the Beach:

* 1 1/2 oz. Schnapps, peach
* 1 1/2 oz. Vodka
* 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
* 2 oz. Orange Juice
* 2 oz. Pineapple Juice

The Girl(s) From Ipanema

2008-08-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

Just swell.

This is a Halle Berry v. Ursula Andress throw down. Girls, can't we all just get along?

Surf Norway!

2008-08-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

Darlings! Whatever could attract me to Norway? Why on earth are you even asking. The women of Norway are legendary. I simply can't even stroll the streets of Oslo without humming 'die Valkyrie'. Ah, love. Sweet, momentary, impulsive, one-nightstandish, love.

There's a gay friendly nude beach near Oslo. More out-of-the body genitalia than the discreetly tucked up inside kind that I prefer, but oh well. The beach's nickname? Homolulu.

I may not leave.

Cabo, of course

2008-08-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

I couldn't have a beach a day month and leave out Cabo San Lucas, could I? It's getting harder to relax there, but my dears-it will never stop being beautiful.

Monkey Beach, Penang, Malaysia

2008-08-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

Darlings, it sounded so exotic. Monkeys come from the jungle and frolic on the beach. Quelle sauvage!

But then I got there.

Damnit.

And look! Below is the UNretouched photo! Enrique, get me a refund!!!!!

Today's In-flight Movie

2008-08-10T06:23:00.000-07:00

Travel Day. But look what I've selected for the in-flight movie!

"How to Stuff a Wild Bikini"

Trust me, darlings, I've a few ideas!!!

Oh, Does It Really Matter Where I am Today?

2008-08-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

Cabana boy, 4 mai tai's please.

8-8-08 Let the Games Begin!

2008-08-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

In honor of the start of the Olympics, I wanted to go to an appropriate beach. Not in China, though. My dears, that government just gives one the heebs. And trust me, I've known some shall we say, unscrupulous governments. Some that pay rather well.

So Enrique googled "Olympic Beach" for me. My choices, dears, are either Greece or New Jersey.

Here we are, Olympic Beach in Greece.

Boracay, Phillipines

2008-08-07T06:51:00.000-07:00

Darlings, I wish this one were a secret, but it's not--the word is out on Boracay Island, Phillipines. Just beautiful. People are here from simply everywhere! Our eyes meet silently across the tiki bars in all languages!

If It's August Maybe Don't Do Argentina

2008-08-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

There's still hotties in Claromeco, though. But I'd skip the surfing until maybe Christmas.

Surf Oak Street!

2008-08-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

Often overlooked in the land of great big waters is the fact that Chicago rides the waves that are Lake Michigan. I thought I'd do some urban beach babying -- Chicago's Oak Street Beach is really really close to the Magnificent Mile -- but the weather turned ugly.

What to do but seek out the best Tiki Bar in all of the Midwest? Yes, dears, it's Mai Tai's with the Mister and Miz Bubs.

Heaven. And we never did stop for the tornados!

Popoyo, baby!

2008-08-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

I've some good chums from adventures past in Nicaragua (and some debts to be collected) so I've come back to the Americas. It's time to surf Popoyo, Nicaragua. Darlings, you know how I love big swells.
And the waves are good, too.

If It's Slingapore It Must Be the Sling!

2008-08-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

Darlings, did you know that there is not one tiki bar in all of Basra? How tiresome. So off I went to Singapore. Home of the Singapore Sling. And since Singapore is an island, there are beaches there too.

But my dears, when I saw the beautiful Raffles Hotel, birthplace of the Sling, I forgot beaches. Here's the recipe:

* 1 1/2 ounce gin
* 1/2 ounce Cherry Heering brandy
* 1/4 ounce Cointreau
* 1/4 ounce Benedictine
* 4 ounces pineapple juice
* 1/2 ounce lime juice
* 1/3 ounce grenadine
* dash bitters

Shake with ice. Strain into an ice filled collins glass. Garnish with cherry and slice of pineapple

Today's Beach: Basra!

2008-08-02T03:56:00.000-07:00

Darlings, Enrique said that they had requested my presence at Basra, so what could I do but agree to the trip as part of my Beach A Day quest through the month of August. BASRA, as I'm sure you are aware, is the Bahamas Air and Sea Rescue Association. A fantastic group with whom I'm delighted to be associated.

However, when the plane trip from Hawaii droned on longer than expected, I discovered we were being sent to Basra, Iraq.

But darlings! When life gives you figs, make Newtons! Basra IS near the sea, and there is sand! So here's little old me. Beach party Basra Style! Now if I can find me some of those mommas in combat boots. Don't ask, don't tell, baby!!!!

August Beach Party-Continued!!!

2008-08-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Darlings, I have left the sugar sand beaches of Negril for the sugar sand beaches of Hawaii! Surf's Up, ma chere moon doggies! Here I am at Lanikai Beach, Oahu! And if I see sharks I am well prepared. (They love martinis)

Wa Hooooo! !!!! It's August Beach Party!!!!

2008-07-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

My darlings. Apparently it is beach party month. So I'm starting with the best beach in Jamaica--- Seven miles of sand in Negril. And my darlings, if any of you return and report to me that you stayed at an "all-inclusive" I will have to kick your ass.

Sorry dears, but the best beach in Jamaica is there only for those who WON'T stay at the shitty all-inclusives!!! Walk around ma cheres!! Meet some people!!! Kick the shins of stupid americans who are afraid of the beach!!!!

Why I Love Orchids

2008-07-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Have you guessed?

Look at me! Darlings I'm in Anime!

2008-07-24T16:27:00.001-07:00

Here is a lovely little video. The girl is over eighteen, I swear!

Upon Closer Inspection

2008-07-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever followed a beautiful young lady down the street only to have her turn around and be, say, Steven Tyler? Darlings, look at this example of shoe porn, from a Paris school for pole dancers, no less. Fabulous?

Girls. Do they do pedicures in Paris? Get thee to the parlor, now my love. My engine went from 90 to zero in two seconds flat when I saw those biscuit heels. Perhaps its time to start a new charity....

The Rumors, The Rumors!

2008-07-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Darlings, the rumors do swirl about don't they? Let me set the record straight, sweeties, just in case you were purchasing a dollop of hype.

It is true that I was kidnapped by Ecuadoran Rebels. Enrique wanted me to see his home village, so as a birthday gift he arranged my trip. On the ride from the airport to his quaint little town a some ugliness ensued: chaps in retro surplus togs grabbed me from my Range Rover and it was all fried grubs for a week. My post of Monday, July 7th was written entirely in code by Enrique to rebel leaders by way of negotiation. Despite Enrique's good works I was actually freed by Air America Radio personality Rachel Maddow who stumbled onto our camp while out on a tour of the Andes with President Rafael Correa, who was teaching her the Quechuan language in a total immersion program.

The scurrilous, nay scandalous, reports that I arranged twenty million dollars payment to the rebels for my release is simply silly. Nor did John McCain have anything to do with my release. And I simply refused to follow his lead of staying with my captors after my release had been arranged. I mean, who does that?

Anyhow, I'm spending the weekend in the underpantsatorium. A hookah may be involved. Cheers, my dears, and thanks to all for the wonderful birthday greetings. I hope you understand now why I was so long in acknowledging your best wishes. Truly I could kiss you all. The girls at least twice.

How To Say What You Really Mean

2008-07-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dr. Zaius keeps telling me that the pen is mightier than the sword, but I don't want to take any chances! So I had Enrique whip me up some special 'diplomatic negotiating' implements to help me with all of my high level communications. The ink cartridge is filled with a special formula of sulfur, charcoal, potpourri and potassium nitrate. My signature style will always be legible in the indelible crimson cursive calligraphy inscribed by my own unique form of penmanship. Why use the phone when you can rhapsodize poetically about the open and honest exchange of ideas with your associates in a more intimate and direct fashion?

Little Miss Firecracker, Yours Truly!

2008-07-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

That's right, dears! Today is the third anniversary of my 29th birthday. Truly I am a Yankee Doodle Eye Candy!!!

Come on over for some cake, and of course, mai tai's.

Love, the older and wiser,
Germaine.

I Googled Myself

2008-06-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

Darlings, I was googling myself (oh, admit you do it too! And it's not a sin when it's done right, my dears) when I came across this little quote. While it does include the word "Gregarious" it does not describe me. Nonetheless, I find it charming.

The metaphor of the king as the shepherd of his people goes back to ancient Egypt. Perhaps the use of this particular convention is due to the fact that, being stupid, affectionate, gregarious, and easily stampeded, the societies formed by sheep are most like human ones.
Northrop Frye

How would that look on a needlepoint pillow, I wonder? Enrique! Get out the thread.

Another Friday Video

2008-06-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!

My Training Video is Here!

2008-06-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

Dr. Zaius put this together for me. If you think the training video is swell, you should see our weekend seminars!

Ba Dum Dee Dum!!! Ba Dum Dee Dum!!!

2008-06-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yay!

How the Coffee Enema Was Invented

2008-06-16T06:35:00.000-07:00

He'd be farting french roast for three weeks if he tried that around me.

The Go Away Georges

2008-06-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

Darlings, my presidential competitor, iSplotchy, who is really nothing more than a pipe stuck in some quik-crete, has dreamed up a fantastic little game that I have been enjoying over the weekend.

It seems that this ~~little sawed off pipe~~ gentleman programmer has made a little widget that we can all use. We just click and it counts us as standing as one and shouting "Go Away Bush". (This is something my Brazilian Waxer says as well, but in a different context.)

Well, I have been having a grand time creating little faces of George for the Go Away counter. And when I say I, I do mean Enrique.

Here are the two I (Enrique) did:

I (Enrique) tried in vain to do Nurse Ratched, but strangely it didn't look all that different than the real George, except for the plucked eyebrows. Some crazy dear did a George Bush as what I asssume to be Dirty Sanchez, and perhaps we should have all stopped ourselves after that most appropriate image, but I (we) couldn't help myself (ourselves).

Unauthorized McCain Family Photos

2008-06-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

John McCain sans jacket and Cindy McCain sans hair extensions and makeup. Zoinks!!!

Happy Underpants in New Designs!

2008-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

Dr. Zaius has announced that the keffiyeh is now the official garment of the Gregarious/Zaius campaign! Yay for style points. And darlings, the black and white sets off a pink pistol like a dream.

Look what my expedient manservant sewed up for me just this aft:

Yes, it's my keffiyeh underwear! (I used one that Yasser gave me. I know he wouldn't have minded).

Selling Skulls on EBay

2008-05-30T09:37:00.001-07:00

Enrique tells me that it's time to unburden myself of some of the ~~detritus~~ fascinating, valuable souvenirs from my exciting and adventurous life. So I am wading into that e-jungle we call Ebay.

I put this crystal skull up for sale and some guy who claims to have 12 others just like it is jonesin' for mine. I guess I'll go ahead and sell it to him. Though his handle "Awesome_Turd_Blossom" has me concerned that he might be this guy.

I don't know where he got his, because he obviously thinks mine is part of his set, but really darlings, there were about two hundred others at the "Straw Market" in Tegucigalpa where I got mine. Oh, well. His bid says 653,000 dollars so I guess I'll sell.

Enrigue, does selling on Ebay always go this well?

My Dears! It's like a regular old party game but without the fishbowls and the car keys!

2008-05-16T07:20:00.001-07:00

FranIam has tagged me to finish her homework for her. My dear, I would say that is cheating and you should just go ahead and finish the professor's assignment the old fashioned way (a little flash of the decolletage between you and me). But I will do my best. Plus, when your prof is a pipe stuck in Quik-Crete I guess feminine charms are wasted.

Here is the story so far:

"I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words."(Splotchy)

Despite the throbbing pain in my knees and the dull ache in my lower back, I bent down slowly and picked up the envelope...

Oh no. It did not say this, did it?

Oh yes, it did. It did.

The handwriting was familiar in a way that inspired a cold sweat and a bout of nausea. It was the penmanship of my former husband. You know - the one that was presumed dead.

He disappeared in a suspicious blogging related accident a number of years ago and was never heard from again. I was devastated. I had hated the blog, loathed the thing. What began as a hobby that took but a few minutes a day had morphed into an addiction, the proportions of which could not be measured. It was pure evil.

The blog turned into a cruel and demanding mistress and her siren song was more than I could compete with. One day he left for an evening event, never to return again.

All fingers pointed to one blogger, but I could never get the charges to stick. That one is slick- slick, slick, slick. He can talk a good game and write like nobody's business. But there is something about him, it just is not right.

So my husband was gone, that other one kept blogging and I had to rebuild my life, which I did.

So I finally had the bastard declared dead.

And now this. (FranIam)
Of course, from me, a declaration of death ain't nothing but a thing. Neither are assorted passports, birth certificates and forged stickers for that silly little Monopoly game that McDonald's comes out with every year. It's what I do.

But what terrible manners! Coming back from the dead was not part of the arrangement that we had made. I tore open the envelope.

Inside was a collar with the inscription "Bright Eyes"; a postcard of the Statue of Liberty oddly ensconced in dirt or sand of some type with the words "DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HEll" written dramatically in some strange medium, like charcoal perhaps; and a one-way ticket stub from Richard Branson's new Virgin Airlines space shuttle.

Now I knew where he was. The only question: How did he get this envelope to me? And before 10 am? Fedex is truly a miracle.

Honestly, I would love to tag someone but I believe that this story has been everywhere. I guess I'll just let it end with a couple of corporate endorsements and assume that those boys will see fit to send a few PR dollars my way.

Some Days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stone Today is a Diamond!

2008-05-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Darlings! There is good news today and we should all, regardless of the number and shape of the genitalia of those we choose to love, celebrate this fantastic news!

The Supreme Court of California has declared that it is unconstitutional to deny the right of marriage to people due to their sexual orientation. (My sexual orientation is usually somewhat bent over and northward or southward facing and helping to administer an implement, but I digress).

Break out the mai tai's! Dance in the streets! Burn your bras! (Okay, that last one was purely selfish on my part).

Jungle Mama!

2008-05-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

I'm uploading this through an intricate web of satellite communications that are gingerly linked into Google Blogger. Merci beaucoup, googlites!

The reason for this, and for my recent absence is that I thought perhaps I should seek out ma mere on mother's day and thank her for all the no nonsense tips on which I was raised. Why at four I knew that one squeezes, one does not pull.

So with my trusty machete and GPS system, I located my precious maman. Happy day, dear! Today we are going to shoot at 12" caterpillars with 4" pistols. What fun!

Enrique, what does this mean?

2008-05-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

A meme about me!

2008-05-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

Jess Wundrun has tagged me for a meme, in which I talk about myself. A favorite subject!!!

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog

1. Ten years ago I was:

Doing some "consulting" work in B_____ia, I___nd, and B__ia.

2. Five Things on Today's To Do List:

buff
wax
polish
tone
sight-in my new Arsenal AK-47m1

3. Things I'd do if I were a billioniare

pay fewer taxes, I'm guessing.

4. Three Bad Habits

cutting that little monkey any slack whatsoever
patting Enrique on the ass. Darling, is an attorney really necessary?
married women

5. Five Places I've lived

If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
No offense, dears.

6. Five Jobs I've had in life:

See number five above. Should I ever get clearance, I swear you shall be the first to know!

Well, that was fun! Now you know all about me! What, I wonder, will you do with this information? Keep it on the QT and the DL, ma petits choux! If I can get Enrique to do some tagging for me later, perhaps I will tag someone. Until then!

Dr. Zaius Goes Camping.

2008-04-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ah, how difficult it is to be a celebrity presidential candidate from the future. Impossible to let your hair down and head out for a little get-back-to-nature retreat without pesky paparazzi following you about.

Oh, dear Dr. Z. Now you've got the humans in a titter because they believe they are seeing an orangutan use a spear for the very first time! If they only knew about General Ursus!

Ah, Springtime

2008-04-27T06:14:00.001-07:00

One just rolls out of bed and it's off to brunch just the way one is! Fabulous. Waiter, mimosas!

You Know What I Love About Earth Day?

2008-04-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

The "After-Earth Day" sales!

Look at these darling shoes that contain the Kaua'i Cave Wolf Spider! Aren't they exotic? I love them.

Auntie Germaine Goes On A Rant

2008-04-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

Darlings, as the head of an organization that is all about lesbians who pack pink pistols, one might think that I would throw my diminutive weight behind a group of students who are holding an "Empty Holster" protest on campuses around the country today.

One would be wrong.

Student members of the group Students for Concealed Carry on Campus* (SCCC) will be wearing empty holsters to their classes today, to symbolize that they don't have the right to protect themselves on campus. They make a strong argument for their rights, essentially wanting to enlarge the sphere of influence of concealed carry. This student group knows how to use studies and facts, and sprinkles citings of such through their website.

Yet when it comes down to the nut of their issue: concealed carry would prevent a Virginia Tech style campus shooting, their rhetoric boils down to this:

Argument: "In an active shooter scenario, like the one that occurred at Virginia Tech, a student or faculty member with a gun would only make things worse."

Answer: "What is worse than allowing an execution-style massacre to continue uncontested? How can any action with the potential to stop or slow a deranged killer intent on slaughtering victim after victim be considered ‘worse’ than allowing that killer to continue undeterred?"

Essentially, the little darlings simply click their ruby slippers together and hope for the best. There won't be crossfire. There won't be additional deaths due to stray bullets. There won't be shitty-assed shooters involved at all. Every student with a concealed weapon will be a little Clint Eastwood. Why? Because they say so. That's why. (And then I believe they stick their little tongues out at us).

They assure us that students won't be in harm's way due to students combining alcohol and firearms. Why? Well, because that would be illegal. As if the illegality of murdering fellow students was a deterrent for Columbine or Virginia Tech or anywhere else.

They assure us that concealed carry gun owners on campus won't snap. Why? Well, I quote "Contrary to popular myth, most psychiatric professionals agree that the notion of a previously sane, well-adjusted person simply ‘snapping’ and becoming violent is not supported by case evidence. A person’s downward spiral toward violence is usually accompanied by numerous warning signs." Um, yes. I believe we saw that with Cho Seung-Hui, the Virginia Tech Shooter. If he was licensed for concealed carry prior to his downward spiral, no one would have had a right to disarm him. But, shhh about that, mon petite chou.

Here's my favorite of the SCCC FAQ's:

Argument: "It is inconceivable that any logical person would believe that the answer to violence is more guns."

Answer: "One might have just as easily told Edward Jenner, the man who discovered in the late eighteenth century that the cowpox virus could be used to inoculate people against smallpox, 'It is inconceivable that any logical person would believe that the answer to disease is more viruses.'"

Darlings! What beautiful rhetoric! It is inconceivable to me that the secret to weight loss is more calories! It is inconceivable to me that the way to save for retirement is to spend my life savings (wait, I think this is actually a plank in the republican platform). Wherefore art thou studies now, ma chere enfants? Why did you choose not to study violent crime in our country versus places with much lower per capita of gun ownership? How did you leave out the fact that most of these juvenile shooting massacres used weapons that were easier, not harder, to obtain thanks to our access to the interwebs? Wouldn't Jenner's argument collapse against that?

My sweet peas. If you are in college and you are just itching to carry a gun around with you, may I kindly suggest you enlist in the United States Army or Marine Corps? I'm told that in Baghdad you don't even need to conceal your weapon.

*No, I won't provide a link. Use the Google Search "Empty Holster".

Lovely Number 7

2008-04-20T08:39:00.001-07:00

Danica Patrick won an IRL race. She is the first woman ever to do so. You go girl!
(I wonder if she'd consider racing Teslas? So much better for the environment)

Fortunately, Dr. Zaius Just Turned 35

2008-04-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

My darling running (pri)mate just turned thirty five again! Technically he won't be old enough to be president for a few thousand years, but once we purchase a good Supreme Court that won't be an issue.

But lord, lord, let me tell you. I was off in the jungles practicing advanced political theory against some corporatist regimes when my blackberry reminded me that TODAY is Dr. Zaius' birthday.

My dear ape. I did travel through many time zones to get here, and yet that feels a bit like an excuse for being late. Remember, it's still your birthday somewhere!!!

My manservant, Enrique, me and Diablo Cody put this together for you.

Enjoy, ya big ape.

With my love, Germaine.

Don't Come 'Round Here, Lindsey

2008-04-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Darling, you are welcome to come out of your little closet, but show up at any Pride Parades and I'll kick you in the nuts. Je suis dites juste.

So Much Better Than a High Five

2008-04-01T07:36:00.001-07:00

Or a pat on the ass.

I wonder if I could try out for this team. Looks like it might be fun.

Fake Girls are All the Rage!

2008-03-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

Look! It's a totally fake girl and you can play and play and play with her. She won't get annoyed if you stick your pointer up her nose because she is sweet like that.

Wait, you think she's fake like, not really into you like she's into her Manolo's fake, don't you?

No, no darlings. This gal is total cgi. She's amusing but she won't be as fun as a lesbot until they give us a tad more than just the head shot.

Here's the link. (I found this on Boing Boing)

The Easter Bunny did not visit

2008-03-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

There was no sign of the Easter Bunny here at the Lair^TM.The Easter Tranny stopped by, though.

gumballs, anyone?

I love the UPS lady

2008-03-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Oh! It finally arrived. My super-realistic life-size mai tai drinking Malibu Barbie. Leave a message, I'll be busy for a while.

Me Me Me Me Me Me Meme

2008-03-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

My gracious and furrilous running mate, the esteemed Dr. Zaius tagged me with a book meme. It goes thus:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I confess to having cheated a bit, as the nearest book to me was actually Soldier of Fortune magazine, page 123 contained an offering for "Tactical Pants"I do think they are lovely. I'm having Enrique compose a short inquiry to this company about the possibility of tactical underpants. Happy Tactical Underpants. Divine.

The next closest book was the "Bartender's Companion. Not exactly literary nor composed in sentences. So I wandered into Enrique's lounge since it was closer to me at the time (adjacent to the Underpantsatorium in the Lair^TM) than the library.

I found "Sophie and the Rising Sun" by Augusta Trobaugh. Here is the requested excerpt:

And like I said, when I get scared I get angry. Always have. Always will.

Apparently this book is about a Japanese man in a small southern town in the 1940's. He is taken in as a gardener by Miss Anne. He has a secret past. I wonder if this book strikes a personal chord with Enrique. He doesn't seem like a man with a past. But then those are the ones who've got one, aren't they?

The Perfect Gift for your Manservant

2008-03-12T10:52:00.001-07:00

Look what I've purchased for Enrique, my manservant. Vacuum shoes! You just walk around and wa la! Cleaning takes place. (Let's hope it takes him a while to discover the extendible toe nozzle feature! I think he might not ever finish in the underpantsatorium if he finds out about that.) I wonder if I can get him to do that ping pong ball trick for me? I wonder if Enrique has limits?

I wonder if she would pack a pink pistol?

2008-03-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

The simians are on this story like fleas on a monkey's ass:

Tucker Carlson is getting fired from his little tee vee show on MSNBC. (Would that Chris Matthews queue up with him in the unemployment line. *sigh*)

Dr. Zaius discusses such here. He reminds us that not only is Carlson very not gay, he likes to bang the heads of guys who are. Odd. And Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein notes how absolutely fabulous it would be if homophobe rightie pea brain Carlson were to be replaced by lovely lesbian Rhodes scholar Doctor of Political Science Rachel Maddow.

If that's what makes you an expert

2008-03-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

If waking up next to someone at 3 am makes you an expert at their job, then my dears I am well qualified to:

Fight contras in the jungle
perform open heart surgery
be the Secretary of State (no, not Madeleine Albright. My word!)
deliver the mail
take the United States to an Olympic softball championship
plumb your house
be the fifteenth Dalai Lama (now there's a story I'm really not allowed to tell)
star on a 70's era television series about a blended family (you knew this one. I'm doubly qualified)
raise kovachii orchids
jump 18 buses on my Ducati (ok, I am actually able to do this)
base jump the Khobar Towers (ibid)
knit
pilot the space shuttle.
rule a South American country
birdwatch

There are a few dozen other jobs I'd be capable of doing, but I didn't take the time to ask. If you know what I mean.

Someone got greeted with flowers....

2008-03-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

...it just wasn't us.

BAGHDAD — It's a damning indication of how poorly things have gone for the United States during its five-year misadventure in Iraq that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can drive in broad daylight though this war-ravaged city and spend the night at the presidential palace, but George W. Bush can't.
Mr. Ahmadinejad was greeted with lavish ceremony yesterday as he became the first Iranian President to visit Baghdad, a trip some said reflected Iran's great and growing power in Iraq and how severely the U.S. effort to remake Iraq into a Western-friendly democracy has gone awry.
Nearly 4,000 American soldiers have died since the war began in 2003, but Iraq's U.S.-backed government warmly welcomed Washington's No. 1 enemy with flowers and a band.

From the Globe and Mail

Darlings, talk amongst yourselves!

My Accountant Has Recommended Some Budget Cuts

2008-02-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, I've reduced the allowance for the girls' uniforms. What do you think?

Cthulu for president?

2008-02-25T12:58:00.001-08:00

Randal Graves at the wonderful L'ennui Melodieux is backing Cthulu for president.

Trust me, darlings, I know how to deal with that. And, really, haven't we had enough of presidents with a total disdain for humanity?

It never ceases to amaze

2008-02-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

Imagine. These people think I am the one with the "alternative lifestyle".

Oh, darlings, that photo. I think I need some eyewash.

Ways to beat the winter doldrums

2008-02-18T13:38:00.001-08:00

I'm having Enrique sketch up my landscape plan.

What do you think?

Freida Bee's Valentine's Day Birthday Bash!

2008-02-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Freida Bee's Valentine's Day Birthday Bash!

(Click to enlarge)
The whole gang has arrived...

And we all chipped in and got Freida Bee a new Domestic Dalek Droid!

Jon brought the booze...

And Dr. Monkerstein brought the hors' douvres...

Looks like we'll be up all night!

Darlings, It is the Day of Love!

2008-02-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

And what could be more lovely than to wish Ms. Freida Bee-Fantastic a very happy birthday!

I had tried to keep this lady in the cake for you, but she popped out early. It's okay, Freida, you can go ahead and lick the frosting.

Darlings, do not forget that we will have a fab Valentine's Day soiree in the Rumpus Room later this evening! Do come, Necco Cosmos and Chocolate Martinis for all!!!

The Best News EVAH!

2008-02-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

Darlings, I thank all the pagan deities and Buddha bellies I have rubbed for bringing about the best possible news that ever could be!

Woody Allen is making a movie with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz. Yes, this is fabulous. But what is better is that he doesn't waste the absolutely fabulous opportunity this titanic matchup presents: Lesbian Sex Scene!

Oh dears, I am just cutting and pasting the rest because really, I am far too beside myself to even continue to sit upright at this computer.

Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz will have lesbian sex in Woody Allen’s new film.

The sexy actresses will ”leave the audience gasping” with their steamy love scene in Allen’s upcoming ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’.

A source said: ”It is extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and the whole scene will leave the audience gasping.”

I wonder if that fainting couch is still in the underpansatorium? Enrique?

Today is "Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk" Day

2008-02-11T12:04:00.001-08:00

And why would I do that anyway?

Please make them stop with the fake shoes

2008-02-08T08:19:00.001-08:00

I am in actual distress over this. Ladies, I regret to inform you that Jellys are back.

This is from Wikipedia : "They were very popular in the 1980s till the 1990s when a pair could frequently be purchased for under a dollar."

Worse, Bloomingdales now has a pair bedecked in Swarovski crystals that retail at $115.00.

Is this a sign of the apocalypse? I bet Dr. Zaius knows. Being a post apocalyptic orangutan and all.

America, I weep for us.

Dirty Laundry in the Cabbage Patch

2008-02-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

There is a new candidate in the race and he has some explaining to do.....

Ma, Ma, where's my pa?
Trying for the White House,
Little slaw.

It's Groundhog's Day

2008-02-02T07:09:00.001-08:00

Happy Groundhog's Day

Of course, I prefer these:

Happy National Brandy Alexander Day!

2008-01-31T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today is National Brandy Alexander Day. While I prefer a little more cocktail in my cocktail, an occasional ice cream drink brings out the girl in all of us.

1-1/2 oz. brandy
1 oz. dark creme de cacao
scoop or two of ice cream
dash of nutmeg

Blend well in your blender, serve in a stem glass.

And to that other Brandy Alexander, the one I met on a super secret spy mission to a ranch in Nevada - well, happy day to you too, my dear!

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2008-01-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

I've built a cozy fire to ward off the chill.

Peace in Our Time

2008-01-26T08:43:00.001-08:00

Darlings, make love not war. Then go make love some more.

It seems there is a battle afoot among bloggers. The Great Necco Wars! How very disconcerting that there should be a rift among so many otherwise likewise-minded bloggers. Unlike some of our opponents, the Gregarious/Zaius ticket believes that war should always be a last resort. (Of course, that resort is well stocked with armaments of advanced political theory, lest you think we're soft.)

Arbitration, mes cheres! All can be settled over Necco Cosmos and Chocolate Martinis at the Rumpus Room.

I exhort you to peace, love, and if all goes well, happy underpantsing!

A Photoshop Tutorial

2008-01-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

Darlings, if you don't have an "Enrique" to do your photoshopping for you, here's a swell how-to video.

It's entitled "You Suck at Photoshop". Offputting, I know. But mes cheres, they don't mean you.

It may answer the question: "where is the cat?"

Darlings, a joke

2008-01-17T07:01:00.000-08:00

Two beautiful young lesbians were in a poetry contest. The two ladies were tied at the end of several rounds so the judges decided that to break the tie each nubile beauty would have to compose a poem on the spot. The poem had to include the word 'Timbuktu'

The first divine daughter of Sappho arose, walked to the microphone, cleared her throat and began:

As I crossed the barren sand,
I gazed upon a golden land
And as I traveled on that day
I spied a silhouette, far, far away.
A special caravan came into view-
Its destination: Timbuktu

The crowd erupted in cheers. Then the second lady, more a sister of Velma Dinkley than a daughter of Sappho, timidly approached the microphone. She stared at the floor, gathering her thoughts. The audience could smell the desperation.

Suddenly, she began:

Tim and me,
a huntin' we did went
We spied three maidens
in a tent
Since them was three
and we was two
I buck one
and Tim buck two.

Well, darlings. You know who won.

Is that joke funny when you read it? I positively loved it when Portia de Rossi first told it to me. Maybe it's more of an oral thing. It's a dickens to memorize if you've had some mai tai's though.

Happiness in a subscription

2008-01-09T06:51:00.000-08:00

One of the little mags I get delivered regulary to the Lair (Enrique, please wait to let me read it first - I detect drool bumps on some pages) is the wonderful "Imbibe".

Imbibe. Will now replace lickety-split as my new favorite word. It can be a command: "Imbibe!", a toast "To all, imbibe", a suggestion "imbibe?", a past tense question in the morning: "imbibed?".

This month's issue carries this little treat for a special you-know-who:

How to make a Planet of the Apes
3/4 oz. 99 Bananas (99 proof banana liqueur- ha cha cha!!!!)
1-1/4 oz. unsweetened pineapple juice
1-1/4 oz. orange juice
1/2 oz. lime juice, fresh-squeezed
1-1/2 oz. dark Appleton Estates Jamaican rum
crushed ice

shake ingredients well with plenty of crushed ice, whilst saying 'Git yer hands off me, you damned dirty ape!' or 'Damn you, damn you all to hell', or 'man is pestilence' or whatever your fave POTA quote may be.

Serve in a Tom Collins glass with a garni of banana slice speared to a cherry and a peruvian kovachii orchid, if available.